Monday, August 26, 2013

Mustache Maintenance

Mood(s): Fervent, inquiring

I feel like I should write down the tools and steps needed in order to keep my mustache looking like it does. Not trying to be morbid, but I ain't no spring chicken; this is my goddamn legacy. It must live on. DISCLAIMER (to whoever finds this diary after I'm gone): This DOES NOT guarantee your mustache will be as magnificent and all-powerful as mine, but I CAN say it will look a helluva lot better than those hipsters trying to work the Amish look. Hey bozos, unless you live in Pennsylvania Dutch country or time-traveled from the 1800s, GET THAT SHIT OFF YOUR FACES. You just look like a bunch of assholes. Anyway, moving on:

The Mustache Maintenance Routine of Tom Selleck


  • a mustache comb made with hairs from the mane of a Triple Crown winner (you can't LOOK like a champion unless you groom WITH a champion)
  • a vial of Holy Water and/or the tears of virgins
  • unaltered beeswax (just maintain your own hive to make it easier on yourself)
  • gummi bears


  • Wet the mustache comb with the Holy Water and/or tears of virgins
  • Comb through mustache
  • Take just a bit of the beeswax between your fingers and rub a light sheen on your mustache
  • Comb through mustache once more
  • Check out what a virile man you are in the mirror
The gummi bears are for eating. I love those little bastards.

Hypothetical question: Is it gay to ask a woman to role play as Magnum, P.I. in bed?